Claustrophobic

Sometimes I feel like no one can hear me.
I'll be screaming at the top of my lungs.
But all they do is crowd around me and talk louder. I
end up feeling claustrophobic...
i end up feeling like I don't matter to the world...
all I am is a grain of sand...not important...
I'm not worthy of anything.
I'm nothing.
I feel nothing but claustrophobic...suffocated.
I feel like crying because there's nothing else I can do.
I'm trapped in a world if pain and misery.
Haunted by the demons I was cursed with so many years ago...staying claustrophobic.
Will I ever wake up from this nightmare and come back to reality?
Or am I doomed for eternity?

Thoughts

I shouldn't give in so easily.
I shouldn't give up so quickly.
I should learn to let things be.
And not to argue with what could be right.
Love with the heart.
And not with the eyes.
Learn to trust.
Or things will go sour.
Make that wish.
It may come true.
If it doesn't.
Then make it.
You don't always get what you want.
That's a fact.
Don't force it.
Don't argue with it.

I Can't Do This...

I Can't Do This...
I Can't Live A Life Without You...
It'd Be Nothing But A Lie...


Everything Will Go Cold Black...
Everything Will Change...
I Won't Be The Same...


I Wouldn't Know What To Do...
Or Where To Go...
I'd Know Absolutely Nothing...


Stillness...
Emptiness...
Darkness....


A Silence So Dreadful
A Dark Encounter Returning.
Hopelessness.


A Lost Soul Emerging
From Dark Shadows
Long Forgotten...


It's All Coming Back...
And I'm Nothing But Scared.
Dead Scared.

Wishful thinking

Wishful thinking.
Hopless dreams.
Thoughtless wonder.

Not knowing where to start.
Not knowing where to end.
Not knowing what to do.

Where do I go from here?
Where? Tell me.
Please.

I don't want this to end.
I can't do this.
I love you.

But why can't I say it?
Why can't I  say how I really feel?
What am I so afraid of?

Love.
Lust.
Heartbreak.

Wishful thinking.
Hopless dreams.
Thoughtless wonder.

I'm Standing Here

I'm standing here. Alone. With nothing yet everything to lose. Sometimes I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know what to do with myself. I'm lost. But for how long? I know what's going to end up happening. I can't change fate. I have to just learn to accept everything as it is. How it should be. If I were to make a change for myself i'd do it my way and only my way. I can't let some one make my own change for me. No one truly knows me. All of me but me. There are many characteristics and sides to me. all different. Not a single one the same. The only thing they have in common: Memory. Certain memories. Memories of people that got hurt. I hurt. Waiting for it all to end. Waiting for it all to be over. Can It Be Over? Will this end? Please. Please Tell Me It Will. I Can't Do It. I Can't Handle It. It's too much...and i'm still way to fucking emotional...sometimes i feel like putting that cold blade on my skin...and press down really hard and move it down very slowly...just to feel something...to see if i can feel something else. DISTRACTIONS DISTRACTIONS I NEED DISTRACTIONS!!! No...Not Really...Been There...Oh Have I Been There. I'm supposed to be letting go of it all and make a change...aren't i? Yes....I suppose I am...and that it would be best...I Should Start By Getting Rid Of This Mask I'm Wearing. Let It Go. Smash It In A Million Pieces. Am I Crazy????? Hahahahahaha.....Yes....I Suppose So...I Can Never seem to make up my mind...I Understand Now. I Do. I'm Standing Here. Alone. All Alone. No One Understands Me. No One Truly Cares About Me. Not Truly ever will i guess...maybe...maybe one day someone will walk right through the wall i worked so hard on building....the wall that keeps everyone out....the wall that keeps me from truly caring...maybe one day someone will just see right through me...right through my lies...right through who i pretend to be...maybe...just maybe....someday...if not today...that person will come in my life (if they haven't already)...just maybe and only maybe...i wont have to fake a smile...i wont have to fake a laugh...i wont have to stand alone...where i don't have to feel like i have to prove myself...i shouldn't have to feel like i have to prove myself.

I'll Be Fine.

you know what.
i'll be fine.
i've been holding so many things in.
mainly regrets.

and i'm letting it all go.
i'm not gonna let it bother me or keep me tied down.
what was in the past was in the past.
it's over and gone.
no turning back.

i can finally be able to let go.
move on.
enjoy my life to the fullest.
be happy.
be happy for real.
no more pretending.
no more looking back.
all it does is bring me down.
and i don't need it.

no more jumping to conclusions.
no more holding back.
i now know what i want.
and what to do to keep it.
i have to learn to not only trust myself.
but him as well.
no matter what stones get thrown my way.
i want a change in my life...
i need a change...

Should I Fight For You.

Should I Fight For You,
Or Leave Things Be?


Should I Tell You You're Wrong,
Or Wait Till It's Too Late?


Was It Even Worth It,
To Bother With Me At All?


Would It Even Make Sense,
To Start This Argument?


Would You Even Listen,
Would You Even Care?


Should I Fight For You,
Or Let The Domino's Fall Where They May?


Can You Even Look Me In The Eye,
And Say What's Going On...


Should I Just Give Up,
Or Find A Way To Make You Listen?

Fall For You

I'm Falling For You.

It's Not Hard To Tell.

More And More Each Day,

The Harder I Seem To Fall.


What You've Done And Who You've
Been In The Past Doesn't Really Matter.
--It's Who You Are Today That
                 Matters Most.

I'm Falling For You.
It's Not Hard To Tell.
More And More Each Day,
The Harder I Seem To Fall.

You Have My Heart,
I Can Tell You That.
So When It Comes To,
Don't Even Stop.


Just Hold Me Tight
And Don't Let Go.

Am I

Am I Falling,

Or Am I Standing Still?

Am I In One Place,

Or Am I In A Million?

Am I Insane,

Or Am I Just Crazy?

Am I In A Daze,

Or Am I Not?

Am I Rushing A Little,

Or Am I Taking It A Little Slow?

Am I Really This Helpless,

Or Am I Strong?

Am I Really Being Me,

Or Am I Just Being Real?

Lost Soul

I feel like I'm trapped sometimes.

I feel lost. Like I have no where else to go.

No one else to turn to...just there...alone.

It's like I'm a lost soul. Not knowing what's to come.

Surrounded in guilt and shame. 

Locked away for who knows how long.

With no one around but myself & my fears surrounding me...

With the ghosts of my past haunting my every move...

Leaving me to suffer this miserable pain alone.

I can't take this anymore. 

I can't handle it...

I'm nothing.

But a lost soul.

Waiting to bee freed.

But by whom??

Who will be there??

Who'll find me?

Who even truly cares?

Where's my way out?

Can anyone hear me calling?

I'm here...waiting...

For My Lost Soul To Be Found.

When it all comes to...I don't think it really matters.

When it all comes to...I don't think it really matters.
I can try so hard to make people see.
But every one seems to be so damn blind.
Every one seems to not have the slightest care in the world.


My past is over. It's time to move on to my future.
As long as I pay as much attention to my present.
But I can't. Everything's not the same.
I can't stay in one place for too long. I'll go crazy.


I want to go somewhere far away sometimes.
I want to run as far as i can without stopping.
Like I used to do when i was little.
But I'm frozen in place.


I want him to see me for me.
But he seems so far away.
I doubt he even notices me.
For who I really am.


But when it all comes to...
I don't think it really matters...
Every one seems to be so damn blind...
When it comes to me trying to be me...

Cry Myself To Sleep

No one seems to know
       how I cry myself to sleep.
No one seems to care
      that I cry myself to sleep.
No one really knows
      why I cry myself to sleep.


It's the pain I feel.
It's how lost I am.
It's when I feel so alone.
It's when I can't even sleep.


I cry myself to sleep,
  cause it's when no one's near.
I cry myself to sleep,
  cause it's all I really know.
I cry myself to sleep,
  cause it helps let everything go.

You Should Know

You should know you're everything to me.
                            I wouldn't know what to do without you.
You should know everything's different with you.
                            It makes me afraid to completely let you in.
You should know that I don't want to lose you.
                            And I mean that in every way.


You are some one special to me...
             some one worth thinking about.
All my fears are far behind....
           whenever you are near.
Talking to you is like talking to no other...
            it can even help me sleep.


You should know how I feel
                           deep inside.
You should know you're like no other
                            and how I love you so.
you should know it's not that simple cuz
                           I'm crazy in love with you.

I Miss You

We used to be best friends.
Where did it go wrong?
As years pass, i find my self
thinking of you.
I think of the good times
we had.
The first time we met.


Now you probably don't even
remember me.
You probably wouldn't even
care if our paths crossed again.


You were always acted like a
selfish stubborn spoiled brat.
I wouldn't be surprised if you still do.


The truth still remains the same.
I'll always care about you.
I'll always remember the good times.
I'll always think of you from time to time.


While you move on and I stay a distant memory.
And I'll still miss you.

Never Say The Right Thing

i love how i can never say the right thing.
especially to some one i like...a lot...
it's kinda weird that way i think...

it's amazing how shy i get & i just don't talk period.
very...fascinating.....silence that is...
you can learn sooooooo much from it.....

sometimes my "natural" dumb "blond" moments come in play....
that's something to beware of.....i can make such a fool of
myself....it's amazing....

i'm always soooo scared of being myself around some one...
i usually forget what was origonaly going on in the first place...
soooo......................................................

i get wayyyy toooo easily distracted.....&& eventually stop paying attention
to whatever's going on.....

SSSSSSSSOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i end up never
being able to say the right thing....regardless....

So I Thought..

We used to be so close.
Closer than twins.
We'd tell each other everything.

Now we're slipping apart.
We barely talk.
More secrets pile up.

How can I tell if
ur being honest or
if ur lying?

How can I even talk
to u without starting
a meaningless argument?

You say u've been busy,
& the only person u talk 2
is ur dad...

If u have time for him...
why not any1 else?

We're supposed to be
best friends!!

So i thought...

U never talk to me anymore.
Ur sooo wrapped up in heaven knows what
That it seems u completely forgot about me.
U always say u have these "sworn secrets"
that u can't tell me when i suspect something.

What are u hiding from me?
Does the term "Best Friend" mean anything?
U know I keep ur secrets more so over any1 else.
U know I'd do anything for u.

Ur like my sister,
and somewhere down the
line something went wrong.

So I Though....
Nothing could possibly go wrong.
We'd be friends forever with no problems.

NOW, I think it best,
we keep our silence where it is.

I'm more than worried about u.
& I really do care....
But somethings not right....
& that I can't handle.

I'm sick of fighting with u.
I'm sick of ur emotions.
I'm sick of ur absence.
I'm sick of being sooo damn
fucking tired as hell.

When will this faze of urs end?
When will u be the person u
used to be?

What happened to u?

Secret

I have a secret
that's hard for
me to tell.

It's how I feel
about you
so....

I can't bring
myself to tell
you.

I get way
too shy..

I have a secret
that's hard for
me to tell

It's about my
heart.

I can't come up
with the right
words.

I've never been
good at telling
some one how
I truly feel.

Mirrored Image

You think you see me?
      It's just a reflection.
You think you know me?
       You don't.
You think you can touch me?
      You have no idea.
You think I'm here?
      I'm nowhere to be found.


I am a mirrored image:
  I'm who you want me to be
  I'm what you want me to be


But I'm changing:
   I'm fading from your glory.
   I'm moving on.
   I'm no where near free....
                        But I'm getting there....

Life.

Life may seem unbearable at times.
Life may seem ridiculous.
You just want to shut the world out.
You have your escape through it all.
But you get forced to come to a halt.
No one may understand you, or
get to you like she does.
You'll come across people who betray you,
in ways you wouldn't imagine.


You'll feel lost.
You'll try to shove it off and act all tough.
But as a friend, the pain and difficulty show.
You seem to try so hard.
And you can act like you're all tough and
don't care.
You'll fight if you have to.


No one should go around and judge people
on who they decide to like.
What's the point?
No one should talk down on you.
It's not right.


Life isn't about that.
But people do it anyway.
You've been through hell and back.
Does anyone else notice?
Just don't let it silence you...


Life's about choices.
We all fuck up at some point,
or another.
People fuck up our lives as well.
We try to trust, but always get 
stabbed in the back.


If I do something stupid and unnecessary, 
smack me in the back of the head.
I'd deserve it anyway.
Just know, whatever I say or do,
I'll always have your back,
even if for whatever reason you're pissed at me.
I'll make sure I'm there for you, to help by any means necessary.

Jessie.

You are sweet.

You are shy.

You are sensitive.

You are life.

You are precious.

You are strong.

You are innocent.

You are love.

You are hope.

You are my sister.

You are my friend.

I LOVE YOU PRINCESS

My Sister.

You seem to be there.


You seem to care.


You know me better,


Than most people.



You're like my little sister.



Who I love and adore.


You know how to make me smile.


Whenever I don't want to.


You're the best you can be.


And you're special.


In your own SPECIAL way.


I'll always love you!!!


No matter what!!!


And that's a promise.